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(1881—1960)

U.S. humorist

Insomniacs don't sleep because they worry about it, and they worry about it because they don't sleep.

(1881—1960)

U.S. humorist

To err is human; to forgive, infrequent.

(1894—1956)

U.S. comedian

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

(1894—1956)

U.S. comedian

For a Cannibal Martini, take 1/3 vermouth, 2/3 gin, and into this drop a small girl named Olive.

(1894—1956)

U.S. comedian

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

(1894—1956)

U.S. comedian

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and--I can't remember what the third thing is.

(1894—1956)

U.S. comedian

You only live once. But if you work it right, once is enough.

(1894—1956)

U.S. humorist

If a circus is half as good as it smells, it's a great show.

(1894—1956)

I'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.

(1894—1956), letter to Groucho Marx, 12 June 1953

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.