C

I've steered clear of God. He was an incredible sadist.

"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears."

(1910—1971, American writer and editor)

History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells "Can't you remember anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club.

(1925--)

U.S. talk show host

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

(1925—2005)

U.S. talk show host, "What Democracy Means to Me," 1991

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower.

(1925—2005)

U.S. talk show host, "What Democracy Means to Me," 1991

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be President, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be Vice President.

U.S. talk show host

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1904—1987)

U.S. mythologist

A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.

(1857—1924)

English novelist

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealing with men.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.