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I can honestly say, all the bad things that ever happened to me were directly, directly attributed to drugs and alcohol.

I mean, I would never urinate at the Alamo at nine o'clock in the morning dressed in a woman's evening dress sober.

(1927-- )

U.S. humorist, writer for Red Skelton and Jack Paar

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

(1927-- )

U.S. humorist, writer for Red Skelton and Jack Paar

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

(1927--)

U.S. writereditor

Sometimes I get the feeling that the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

(1927--)

U.S. writereditor

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

(1927--)

U.S. writereditor

Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.

(1927--)

U.S. writereditor

To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?

(1849—1919), Canadian physician

Half of us are blind, few of us feel, and we are all deaf.

(1849—1919), Canadian physician

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine.